I speak in youth
camps and often deal with the topic “Teen Issues”. Invariably, this session includes
dealing with the topic of – “Sex, Love and Romance”. Without fail, the topic
often makes the campers blush and go pink! Most of them look scandalized as
soon as they hear the words!
The biggest reason
for such a reaction is that these topics are a taboo at home and obviously in
the church too. They have never heard their parents discuss these issues nor have
they heard their pastor or elders talk about it but rather whenever it has come
up unexpectedly, either the topic was abruptly changed or they were chided for
it. The only safe place where they can discuss it at all without raising eyebrows
and popping eyeballs is their peer group! So, this being the circumstance, to
hear it talked about from the podium is not a comfortable instance for the
young people.
However my firm
conviction is that these things are facts of life and they are going to hear
it, experience it or even experiment with it sometime, somewhere, somehow and
because these are vital, it better be discussed at home and in the church
rather than they learning it from their ill-informed peers or even from the
depraved and debased media.
After one such talk
in a camp, I had a protégé visiting me at the Soul Café to talk further on the
topic. Read ahead for an abridged version of the same and let me tell you this
is almost typical of how the conversations; I have had so far with teens all
around; have gone.
Steffi: I really need to talk
more about a few things!
Me: I’ll be really glad
if I can help!
Steffi: Let me come straight
to the point without beating around the bush. Actually there is this boy who
has confessed that he likes me!
Me: And what about you?
Steffi: We have been friends
for a while. We used to discuss general issues because we have a lot of friends
and occasions in common. We are class mates you see! However, sometime back he
told me that he liked me a lot and I responded that I liked him too! Actually,
I really hadn’t thought about it so seriously but then I didn’t mind him saying
that. And I did like him as a friend you know! After all, he is a great guy,
wonderful company and more importantly, he is a good and true friend. He has
been with me through some of the tough times in my life. We have been talking
for more than a year now you know!
Me: And have you talked
just about ‘liking’ or have things gone further from there?
Steffi: Actually, that’s the
reason I have come to meet you. Few weeks back he confessed that he loves me
and all and I really don’t know how to respond to that.
Me: So have you stopped
talking to him after he said that?
Steffi: No. I can’t simply
stop talking to him. He will be very hurt by that and I don’t want to do that.
But yes, we have not been talking so much after he confessed that.
Me: The general and
common issues are not so much the subject of your conversations any more. Isn’t
it? Those subjects even when they are brought up aren’t as interesting and they
are over much sooner too!
Steffi: Yeah, exactly. How do
you know? He cuts the other subjects short and nowadays he always comes back to
the topic ”us” and almost pesters me about what I feel about what he confessed
to me!
Me: And what do you feel!
Steffi: Actually I think
there is a time for everything and right now it’s the time for me to study and
so I don’t want to think about these issues. But on the other side, he is such
a sweet guy. It’s a little unsettling to see your good friend sulk and brood!
Me: Has he stopped eating
or anything? Has he given you some deadline?
Steffi: No, no. Nothing like
that! But yea, you can say that it’s something similar. There is this undeclared
deadline before me. He certainly is disturbed and obviously I am troubled too.
Me: Why don’t you tell
him what you just told me? I mean about your current priorities!
Steffi: Oh I have! But that’s
not helping. I am in my twelfth standard and I need to focus on the board exams
coming up!!
Me: Around this time of a
teen’s life is very vital because he/she is not just tested for academic
excellence but everyday through the year his/her loyalties and values are
tested too!
Steffi: So what do you say
that I must do to pass this test!
Me: I can only make
suggestions based on my conclusions and convictions. The decision is certainly
yours. Unless you have thought about it thoroughly, you will not be able to
stand true to any decision you take!
Steffi: So what are your
convictions and conclusions?
Me: I think I will begin
by repeating what you just said. There is a time for everything. There is a
time that will come when you will be ready for a romantic relationship and that’s
only when you should opt for it!
Steffi: But these things
cannot be planned as you say. They just happen! The right kind of guy or gal
passes by in your life and the sparks fly!
Me: Yeah, sparks fly, and
then there is a fire and then a fire fighting and then burns and bruises and then
a busy time for people like me trying to make sense and heal hurts!
Steffi: Yeah you too are
right!
Me: Teen years release
new hormones in his/her body demarcating the onset of puberty and this creates
a havoc in the teen’s world because suddenly the body starts growing much faster
than the other capacities. Suddenly they observe that they are almost as tall
and big as their corresponding adults, however, the corresponding privileges
are not enjoyed by them.
Steffi: I didn’t get you
there!
Me: They look physically
as competent as the adults but the adults still treat them like kids. They look
and feel big but they are still ordered around and don’t have the license to do
a lot of things including driving, drinking, watching every movie, voting,
marrying etc.
Steffi: Is it this mismatch
that makes most teens to rebel?
Me: Yeah, surely. They
cannot comprehend or understand why they are still not given their due when
they are physically as capable as and as equipped as, if not more than the
adults and they start forming their own leagues and doing their own things! But
actually they are still twelve or fifteen year olds trapped inside much bigger
bodies!
Steffi: But why are you now
telling me all this! How is this related to my concern?
Me: Feelings and urges of
love, sex and romance are hormone triggered adult emotions happening inside the
body of the teen and he/she is still not full ready for these!
Steffi: But if nature has
allowed it, who is man and society to decide otherwise!
Me: I have heard that
argument! Nature cannot bestow sexual and romantic prowess and ability to you
overnight. The person needs to have these capacities in them for some time to know
how to harness it! Just like getting into a medical college doesn’t mean you do
surgeries from the next day, similarly, just because nature has give us certain
capacities doesn’t mean that we make rampant use of it! These feelings and
aspects that we are talking about are going to be very important for the
relationships that they adorn but they are not the only thing that make up the
relationship.
Steffi: Again you lost me in
the end there!
Me: Sex, love and romance
are not the only things that happen in a man-woman relationship. Relationships
need much more than these to last for life and the mental, psychological and
emotional capacities in individuals are not developed appropriately until much
later than the teenage and so it’s advisable for the well being of the
relationship to wait rather than to commit early.
Steffi: But I have heard
about so many couples who had romantic relationships when they were still teens
and are now happily married!
Me: And I can show you
many many more such so called couples who never made it to their marriage!! I
am not convinced that it’s worth the risk!
Steffi: Why is it a risk? Two
people try out a relationship, and if it doesn’t work, they just move on ahead!
Where is the risk? In fact I think it is wise and safer!
Me: I really wish things
were so simple! Unfortunately, we are not machines but complex beings and
whenever such relationships blossom, there are strong emotional and psychological
connotations to it that can’t be downplayed.
Steffi: What are you talking
about?
Me: Strong romantic
relationships or sexual relationships form what is called “Soul Ties”! Normally,
they happen inside marriage but it can happen before or outside of marriage
when there are very close relationships. If we mix a pure yellow liquid with a
pure blue liquid, what will happen!
Steffi: Green Liquid!
Me: Right! Now after some
time, we want to get back the yellow and the blue liquids back as they were, is
it possible! It is never possible!
Steffi: Come on. Don’t tell
me that such kind of a thing happens inside a romantic relationship!
Me: How else do you explain
the severe hurt that happens when two people decide to call off their
relationship! Actually they will carry a bit of the other person with them for
the rest of their lives! Humans simply cannot forget! Worse is that most people
carry this as bad luggage into their next relationship and cause further rifts!
And for people who jump from one relationship to the other, things reach a
level where they may not know who they really are!
Steffi: So is it possible
that the sudden rise in divorces and rift in marriages is because of people
increasingly carrying baggage from past relationships into their marriages?
Me: Certainly. People
with pre-marital relationships are more prone to divorce. Now, just think about
when you were ten year old. How do you feel about the things you did then?
Steffi: Oh! I was such a kid!
I did many foolish things!
Me: Five years later, you
will feel the same about now!
Steffi: Possible. So what are
you trying to say!
Me: Our choices,
priorities, likes, ambitions, needs etc will undergo radical changes way into our
early youth. It’s mostly only in the early twenties that people on an average
settle with things that they will stick on with for the rest of their lives!
Steffi: So you mean to say
that what I like now will most probably not be the thing that I may like a few
years later and so I should wait some more time before settling down with my choice!
Okay. But what if we continue just talking like we did so far?
Me: Since you guys have
already raised up the topic of love inside your relationship, it will be very
difficult for you to become normal again. There will always be a tendency to
talk about love and romance again. And if the inclinations are mutual, very
soon I see the relationship taking a turn towards lust.
Steffi: How can you be so
sure?
Me: It will! Even if it
doesn’t, you are risking what psychologists are terming as an equally damaging
phenomenon as an actual sexual relationship and it’s called – emotional intercourse!
You stand the risk of getting emotionally entangled with someone with whom you
really may not be spending the rest of your life!
Steffi: Shouldn’t we just
enjoy what’s happening today without worrying about tomorrow and thus make the
most of life!
Me: That’s what the drug
addicts and the chain smokers say too! Think about the person that you will
finally marry! Will it be justice to him if you have already messed up a few
years of your life with someone else!
Steffi: Made to think of it,
maybe it’s not right. But then who knows what baggage he himself will bring!
What about me if he has messed around previously!
Me: It’s so easy to shrug
off our responsibilities for today by blaming tomorrow’s potential and possible
blunders by others. See it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with your life.
I can only make you think and show you various sides of it!
Steffi: Actually, all my
friends in the class have boy friends and so not to have one would make me feel
like a moron! I know this is not right, but he is like my trophy that I flaunt!
Me: It’s called
peer-pressure. I wish you could say the same about your studies. If a few of your
friends were to study very hard, would you embrace their decision and study as
hard too or would you shy away? So, finally we do what we really want to do. If
there is a conviction and commitment deep inside, we will not slip away! And
let me ask you one more thing! What about your parents! Do they not have a say
on all this?
Steffi: I don’t think they
will be very pleased with whatever is happening!
Me: Personally I think there
is wisdom in involving your parents too on the decision about your future life
partner! If you are seriously thinking about it, why don’t you talk to them!
Steffi: Oh come on! I cannot
talk about it to them right now!
Me: Well then I think you
should put off the decision on the relationship till you can talk to them! And
in the meanwhile, you should even stop talking!
Steffi: Stop talking? I don’t
think I can but then I think I have to! But tell me, will my parents not accept
my decision? I mean, don’t I have the right to choose the person with whom I want
to spend the rest of my life!
Me: You certainly do have
the right to take that decision but what is the harm in taking their opinion
too? What makes you think that they will decide something that won’t be as good
for you! When you were born and only able to cry, did they not fulfil each of
your need before you could specify it! Now that you have grown up, will you
just ungraciously chuck them out of your decision making system? And then, in
India especially, marriage happens between families and not merely the two
individuals! So at least in our context, involving them only seems apt! I would
rather ask, don’t they have a right over you?
Steffi: What you are asking
me to do is really difficult!
Me: It is! But it will be
worth the wait! Since a romantic liaison is a relationship without mutual accountability
- the associated insecurity, time demand, struggle with lust, expenditure,
fights and sleeplessness et cetera will be too much for you to handle at this
juncture and even if you are able to handle it, it will not be without a cost –
the casualty usually being your academic performance. Finally, it’s your call!
Steffi needed my
prayers and constant support from someone she could depend on. It is not easy
for young people like her. They constantly need hands that lift them up and not
eyes that look them down. We also need to think about why our young people get
into relationships very early in life! Why is it that they look out for love
outside of the family set up! Are parents giving them enough time and
attention? And if they do end up in trouble, do we have mechanisms to confront
them or help them in love! Mayday! Mayday! God help us.
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