It had been more than three and half years since I saw him last. I will never forget him and the talk we shared in the Soul Café. It was one of those times I was made to bite dust. I could not even start talking to him while he barraged me with his arguments and reasoning.
He was the son of the owner of the Soul Café. For those who have followed the Soul Café episodes will remember ‘the case of the metro-city teen’. He was then about fifteen and now close to nineteen, tall, fair and handsome but he no longer carried the smirk on his face and the confidence which he had when I met him last. He was alone but he looked lonely too – at least he didn’t look like waiting for his friends to turn up. On the contrary, he looked clueless and lost and wore an almost blank expression – as if his life had been sucked out of him.
The Café owner who has been a witness of my continuous efforts with young people through all these years approached me once again, asking me if I could just talk to him! Why wouldn’t I? Though the memories of our last meeting kind of always haunted me, but I definitely wouldn’t shirk an opportunity to help someone, especially a teen!
As I approached him, he didn’t look interested. When he spoke, he confirmed my fears. He asked me to leave him alone. But since he was already very docile and cowed, I knew I could have my way if I persisted. I had no clue what had happened to him and what made him that which he had now become!
Me: Maybe talking to someone will surely help.
Teen: I don’t want to talk to anyone!
Me: I thought so too when I went through a similar phase in my life. But one day I came across someone who I liked talking to and then I talked and talked. Things didn’t change that day but it slowly started changing for the good.
Teen: What do you even know about my situation that you say that you went through a similar phase! And even if what you are saying about talking is right, I don’t think today is that day for me. So sir, please do not disturb me. Just leave me alone.
Me: I thought I was dumped, not just by my friends but also by God. I was very angry at myself for the decisions I made, especially for several things that I had done. I knew I had messed it up and had no idea how I would ever be able to clear it up!
Teen: You will never understand. No one will understand.
Me: I am not sure if I will be able to help but surely I can understand.
Teen: If you can’t help, why should I even tell anything to you!
Me: My experience is that often, we do not need so much help as much as we need a sincere and a well meaning listener – a person who understands our situation and reflects our feelings. Often the solution to our mess lies inside our own minds and within our own problems but the clutter smudges our vision, dampens our spirit and takes the sharpness out of our reason!
Teen: How can I be sure that you will not tell others even if I do tell you anything?
Me: I have no way of convincing you on that! But I suppose you need to trust me.
Teen: Trust! I don’t trust anyone anymore. In fact I don’t trust myself too!
Me: Do you remember the last time that we met?
Teen: Have we met before?!
Me: It was almost four years back. We sat on that table across the hall! Remember we talked about “control”?
Teen: Oh ya!! I remember now. Frankly speaking, I concluded then that you were a jerk!
Me: Well, maybe you can find out whether I still am a jerk!
Teen: Hey that’s cool! But let me tell you, some questions that you asked me then kind of bothered me! Wish I took them more seriously. Don’t know why but I always wanted to forget our discussion and maybe that’s why somehow I couldn’t immediately recognize you! But as of now, I just want to be quiet and be left alone. I don’t want to talk about anything, especially about what I have gone through. I am trying to forget many of those things.
Me: Where do you see yourself five years from now!
Teen: Five years! I am not even sure about where I will be five days from now! I simply don’t want to think ahead. Maybe, I don’t even want to go ahead!
Me: Are you the only child of your parents?
Teen: I am! I am really sad for them. I think they wasted their time, money and efforts on me. And look what I have become! A useless fellow! I blew up their money, got busted in my studies and over and above that, I am ungrateful to them. I see that they are worried but I just don’t care about them, or about anyone. I am so full of anger and hatred.
Me: It’s like you want to break a few things.
Teen: Yeah. Sometimes I even feel like bashing up a few people!
Me: Speaking in anger and reacting in anger never bring any solution. Anger is always a perpetrator, never a troubleshooter! Are you angry at yourself?
Teen: Yes, very angry!
Me: And you are angry at others too!
Teen: Yes, very angry!
Me: So you are as angry at others as you are at yourself! You are all willing to bash them up but not so much willing to bash yourself up!
Teen: Well, I think I get what you are trying to say.
Me: I am saying that often the reason for the anger is just we our selves and not the others. However, we direct it towards others as if they alone are responsible for it. Look closely and you will find that getting angry at others usually takes the control away from us. Oh no! Here comes the word “control” again! (We laugh)
When we attribute our anger to a third entity, we end up getting angrier since we are trying to treat the wrong patient! Instead of focusing on the others, maybe a daring introspection will help more.
Teen: But when people turn their back on you, and you don’t find them when you need them the most, it hurts and it’s perhaps the hurt that reflects as anger. I mean, I feel so “used”. People used me when they needed me and then I was thrown! It’s not an easy thing to put up with, let alone forget and get over with.
Me: I agree. But what did you expect?
Teen: At least one of them! At least one of them should have been around when I messed up, when I broke down! All of them are selfish.
Me: Maybe they did try to help but you turned them away much before or while the things started turning sour. If you were the person I met you last time, you perhaps did have an attitude that would have put them off!
Teen: I think you are not helping me. And hey, I don’t think I turned anyone away! They just made their own selfish, self-centered choices.
Me: I am just trying to help you to begin introspecting! It’s important that we clean the glass through which we see the world. The world is the way it is. It will mostly remain the way it is or perhaps only become worse. If we wait for the world to change for the better, we will only end up waiting. I chose to trust you when you say that you didn’t turn away any of your so-called friends. If so, then it is sad that none of them are with you today!
Teen: I have lost trust in people. I just hate humans!
Me: I think the life of Jesus helped me a lot on this front.
Teen: Now what has Jesus to do with all this! The last thing I want is a religious twist to my situation!
Me: Jesus’ taught his disciples to do unto others what they wanted the others to do unto them. I am sure that he practiced it himself. And what did he get in return!
Teen: Betrayal and a Cross!
Me: Right. He was compassionate, healed them, fed them, taught them, and he was good to them and much more. But everyone deserted him in the end! And how did he react! Did he get angry! Did he withdraw and alienate himself from these very people! He would have been perfectly justified had he got angry, but that was Jesus!
Teen: I am not Jesus. I can’t be like that!
Me: If I could, you surely can. When we do good to others, we should do it just for the merit of the act and not because of what it can yield in the future.
Teen: Now you only said that my vision is smudged, my spirit is dampened and my reasoning is blunted. So please talk in a way I can understand!
Me: (laugh) I said that not expecting anything from anyone is one of the surest ways of not hurting ourselves.
Teen: I call that pessimism.
Me: Well, being an optimist has not helped you much!
Teen: True.
Me: People will invariably hurt us. It’s not that they do it knowingly all the time. That’s how things are. It’s like a law. Nothing can change that outcome. How much so ever they try otherwise, they will end up hurting us.
Teen: But why! Why do people have to hurt others!
Me: Actually, analyze any relationship. The expectations inside that relationship, keeps rising with time and on the other side, the ability to fulfill it reduces, often owing to circumstances and changing situations. This unfavorable equation then tends to jilt every relationship unless of course the people tone down their expectations!
Teen: Quite psychologically and philosophically put!
Me: Human relationships are like that. They can become complex, unless we work to keep them simpler.
Teen: So now what! What should I do!
Me: Take responsibility for what happened in your life. Acknowledge that no one can hurt you unless you allow them. Understand that every relationship has limits and there is only so much that anyone can do.
Teen: What when I marry? Will I have to carry these conclusions into my marriage too! Is marriage too doomed by this law!
Me: Even if you marry, there is a limit to which a wife will understand you. Keep yourselves in the other person’s shoes. After a certain limit, the languages we use are exposed of their poverty and insufficiency in carrying and conveying what we actually want to express. That’s why silence is the best communication in a funeral. And then, there are limitations to remaining silent too!
Teen: I understand what you are trying to say here. So acknowledging my faults will help me roll back to normalcy.
Me: I think you need to take one step forward in healing the relationships.
Teen: And what is that step?
Me: Ask forgiveness!
Teen: What? For what!? Even if I am not at fault?
Me: What I mean is to make an effort to heal relationships. Where ever it requires you to ask forgiveness do it. Where ever it doesn’t require you to ask forgiveness, I suggest you still ask for pardon!
Teen: And then what? Start going around with these people all over again so that they can treat me like scum again!
Me: No. Not necessary. But the act of asking forgiveness and forgiving has something attached with it which is difficult to explain. It has a redeeming effect on everyone involved. It will free you of the bitterness inside and take the venom out of your hatred brewing inside of you. But before that, work on your attitude. If you do these things treating the other people as jerks and do it for the sake of doing it, the whole exercise gets robbed off its benefits.
Teen: Okay. I understand. You mean that I approach them graciously and sincerely. But it’s so difficult. I don’t think I can do that.
Me: You can. Take your time. It is not something that you have to rush into right now. Once you are through with this, try to prioritize things in your life. Friends, fun and pleasure have their time and place and so do studies, family and God. If you mess up the order of it, it would be like eating the dessert before the food and mixing up the rest to make a hodge-podge. And who likes hodgy-podgy food!
Teen: Makes sense. I was too engrossed in the pleasure aspect that I lost sight of what I was doing to myself, my parents and to my whole life!
Me: Nothing is lost. You have it in you to come out clear. It’s only that, that what’s in you needs to be pulled out from under the rubble!
Teen: I guess that I had actually learnt my lesson even before we started talking. It was only that I was running away from owning my mistakes and I was cribbing and whining away!
Me: Maybe yes. You also need to breathe some order and discipline into your spending and your personal habits. Make a schedule, plan your studies, and reconcile with your parents. Unless you do a more holistic rescheduling and correction, you might pretty much end up where you started. I also take the liberty to suggest that when you get time, you should even help your dad with the Café! I think it’s an amazing place! Let me tell you that many young people like you have been helped in this place by the grace of God!
Teen: Glad to know that. Thanks for talking to me today. I feel a little lighter. At least I am leaving with some sure things I need to work on immediately.
Me: I am really delighted to hear that!
Teen: It seems you are a firm believer of your God! Someday, I would like to learn more. As of now, I think I have my hands full!
Teen: I don’t want to talk to anyone!
Me: I thought so too when I went through a similar phase in my life. But one day I came across someone who I liked talking to and then I talked and talked. Things didn’t change that day but it slowly started changing for the good.
Teen: What do you even know about my situation that you say that you went through a similar phase! And even if what you are saying about talking is right, I don’t think today is that day for me. So sir, please do not disturb me. Just leave me alone.
Me: I thought I was dumped, not just by my friends but also by God. I was very angry at myself for the decisions I made, especially for several things that I had done. I knew I had messed it up and had no idea how I would ever be able to clear it up!
Teen: You will never understand. No one will understand.
Me: I am not sure if I will be able to help but surely I can understand.
Teen: If you can’t help, why should I even tell anything to you!
Me: My experience is that often, we do not need so much help as much as we need a sincere and a well meaning listener – a person who understands our situation and reflects our feelings. Often the solution to our mess lies inside our own minds and within our own problems but the clutter smudges our vision, dampens our spirit and takes the sharpness out of our reason!
Teen: How can I be sure that you will not tell others even if I do tell you anything?
Me: I have no way of convincing you on that! But I suppose you need to trust me.
Teen: Trust! I don’t trust anyone anymore. In fact I don’t trust myself too!
Me: Do you remember the last time that we met?
Teen: Have we met before?!
Me: It was almost four years back. We sat on that table across the hall! Remember we talked about “control”?
Teen: Oh ya!! I remember now. Frankly speaking, I concluded then that you were a jerk!
Me: Well, maybe you can find out whether I still am a jerk!
Teen: Hey that’s cool! But let me tell you, some questions that you asked me then kind of bothered me! Wish I took them more seriously. Don’t know why but I always wanted to forget our discussion and maybe that’s why somehow I couldn’t immediately recognize you! But as of now, I just want to be quiet and be left alone. I don’t want to talk about anything, especially about what I have gone through. I am trying to forget many of those things.
Me: Where do you see yourself five years from now!
Teen: Five years! I am not even sure about where I will be five days from now! I simply don’t want to think ahead. Maybe, I don’t even want to go ahead!
Me: Are you the only child of your parents?
Teen: I am! I am really sad for them. I think they wasted their time, money and efforts on me. And look what I have become! A useless fellow! I blew up their money, got busted in my studies and over and above that, I am ungrateful to them. I see that they are worried but I just don’t care about them, or about anyone. I am so full of anger and hatred.
Me: It’s like you want to break a few things.
Teen: Yeah. Sometimes I even feel like bashing up a few people!
Me: Speaking in anger and reacting in anger never bring any solution. Anger is always a perpetrator, never a troubleshooter! Are you angry at yourself?
Teen: Yes, very angry!
Me: And you are angry at others too!
Teen: Yes, very angry!
Me: So you are as angry at others as you are at yourself! You are all willing to bash them up but not so much willing to bash yourself up!
Teen: Well, I think I get what you are trying to say.
Me: I am saying that often the reason for the anger is just we our selves and not the others. However, we direct it towards others as if they alone are responsible for it. Look closely and you will find that getting angry at others usually takes the control away from us. Oh no! Here comes the word “control” again! (We laugh)
When we attribute our anger to a third entity, we end up getting angrier since we are trying to treat the wrong patient! Instead of focusing on the others, maybe a daring introspection will help more.
Teen: But when people turn their back on you, and you don’t find them when you need them the most, it hurts and it’s perhaps the hurt that reflects as anger. I mean, I feel so “used”. People used me when they needed me and then I was thrown! It’s not an easy thing to put up with, let alone forget and get over with.
Me: I agree. But what did you expect?
Teen: At least one of them! At least one of them should have been around when I messed up, when I broke down! All of them are selfish.
Me: Maybe they did try to help but you turned them away much before or while the things started turning sour. If you were the person I met you last time, you perhaps did have an attitude that would have put them off!
Teen: I think you are not helping me. And hey, I don’t think I turned anyone away! They just made their own selfish, self-centered choices.
Me: I am just trying to help you to begin introspecting! It’s important that we clean the glass through which we see the world. The world is the way it is. It will mostly remain the way it is or perhaps only become worse. If we wait for the world to change for the better, we will only end up waiting. I chose to trust you when you say that you didn’t turn away any of your so-called friends. If so, then it is sad that none of them are with you today!
Teen: I have lost trust in people. I just hate humans!
Me: I think the life of Jesus helped me a lot on this front.
Teen: Now what has Jesus to do with all this! The last thing I want is a religious twist to my situation!
Me: Jesus’ taught his disciples to do unto others what they wanted the others to do unto them. I am sure that he practiced it himself. And what did he get in return!
Teen: Betrayal and a Cross!
Me: Right. He was compassionate, healed them, fed them, taught them, and he was good to them and much more. But everyone deserted him in the end! And how did he react! Did he get angry! Did he withdraw and alienate himself from these very people! He would have been perfectly justified had he got angry, but that was Jesus!
Teen: I am not Jesus. I can’t be like that!
Me: If I could, you surely can. When we do good to others, we should do it just for the merit of the act and not because of what it can yield in the future.
Teen: Now you only said that my vision is smudged, my spirit is dampened and my reasoning is blunted. So please talk in a way I can understand!
Me: (laugh) I said that not expecting anything from anyone is one of the surest ways of not hurting ourselves.
Teen: I call that pessimism.
Me: Well, being an optimist has not helped you much!
Teen: True.
Me: People will invariably hurt us. It’s not that they do it knowingly all the time. That’s how things are. It’s like a law. Nothing can change that outcome. How much so ever they try otherwise, they will end up hurting us.
Teen: But why! Why do people have to hurt others!
Me: Actually, analyze any relationship. The expectations inside that relationship, keeps rising with time and on the other side, the ability to fulfill it reduces, often owing to circumstances and changing situations. This unfavorable equation then tends to jilt every relationship unless of course the people tone down their expectations!
Teen: Quite psychologically and philosophically put!
Me: Human relationships are like that. They can become complex, unless we work to keep them simpler.
Teen: So now what! What should I do!
Me: Take responsibility for what happened in your life. Acknowledge that no one can hurt you unless you allow them. Understand that every relationship has limits and there is only so much that anyone can do.
Teen: What when I marry? Will I have to carry these conclusions into my marriage too! Is marriage too doomed by this law!
Me: Even if you marry, there is a limit to which a wife will understand you. Keep yourselves in the other person’s shoes. After a certain limit, the languages we use are exposed of their poverty and insufficiency in carrying and conveying what we actually want to express. That’s why silence is the best communication in a funeral. And then, there are limitations to remaining silent too!
Teen: I understand what you are trying to say here. So acknowledging my faults will help me roll back to normalcy.
Me: I think you need to take one step forward in healing the relationships.
Teen: And what is that step?
Me: Ask forgiveness!
Teen: What? For what!? Even if I am not at fault?
Me: What I mean is to make an effort to heal relationships. Where ever it requires you to ask forgiveness do it. Where ever it doesn’t require you to ask forgiveness, I suggest you still ask for pardon!
Teen: And then what? Start going around with these people all over again so that they can treat me like scum again!
Me: No. Not necessary. But the act of asking forgiveness and forgiving has something attached with it which is difficult to explain. It has a redeeming effect on everyone involved. It will free you of the bitterness inside and take the venom out of your hatred brewing inside of you. But before that, work on your attitude. If you do these things treating the other people as jerks and do it for the sake of doing it, the whole exercise gets robbed off its benefits.
Teen: Okay. I understand. You mean that I approach them graciously and sincerely. But it’s so difficult. I don’t think I can do that.
Me: You can. Take your time. It is not something that you have to rush into right now. Once you are through with this, try to prioritize things in your life. Friends, fun and pleasure have their time and place and so do studies, family and God. If you mess up the order of it, it would be like eating the dessert before the food and mixing up the rest to make a hodge-podge. And who likes hodgy-podgy food!
Teen: Makes sense. I was too engrossed in the pleasure aspect that I lost sight of what I was doing to myself, my parents and to my whole life!
Me: Nothing is lost. You have it in you to come out clear. It’s only that, that what’s in you needs to be pulled out from under the rubble!
Teen: I guess that I had actually learnt my lesson even before we started talking. It was only that I was running away from owning my mistakes and I was cribbing and whining away!
Me: Maybe yes. You also need to breathe some order and discipline into your spending and your personal habits. Make a schedule, plan your studies, and reconcile with your parents. Unless you do a more holistic rescheduling and correction, you might pretty much end up where you started. I also take the liberty to suggest that when you get time, you should even help your dad with the Café! I think it’s an amazing place! Let me tell you that many young people like you have been helped in this place by the grace of God!
Teen: Glad to know that. Thanks for talking to me today. I feel a little lighter. At least I am leaving with some sure things I need to work on immediately.
Me: I am really delighted to hear that!
Teen: It seems you are a firm believer of your God! Someday, I would like to learn more. As of now, I think I have my hands full!
I ended up talking much more that day than I had thought and planned for. I started off saying that he needed a listener and the conversation just turned the other way. But he never got to confessing. So that pretty much justifies what I was trying to do. More than that, I would say the end justified the means. All’s well that ends well! Did it end well? I would surely come to know because he was the son of the owner of the Soul Café and my stints at the Soul Café were not going to end soon!
Dejection, and in its worst state, depression, are one of the biggest banes of the current generation. More often than not, it is their skewed understanding of life and relationships that often ends them up where they reach. Often a knowledge transfusion from parents to children doesn’t happen either because they are busy or simply because they don’t have the patience or the skills for it. They don’t work for it too! Raising teens up is like running an enterprise. No pain, no gain!
Teens, look inside, and then also look above to your Creator so that it is well with you when you are old. You need to do it else dejection and rejection are not too far away! God bless.
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