The Case of Live-in Relationships

Humans yearn to be bound to someone in their lives to draw a meaning to their life. To lead a solitary life, unattached to people, is impossible.

In relationships, romance takes the laurels! It is still the most celebrated subject in movies made worldwide and more so in India! Strangely, in our traditionalist country, a lot of it is still in the celluloid! There’s an evident disconnect between what is shown and what is! Any bold exhibition of romance outside the movie, in public, is most likely to be viewed as profane! Romance, even still, doesn’t necessarily culminate in a marriage! Arranged marriages are still prevalent and surprisingly a vast majority of those who get married prefer arranged marriages over love marriages.

However prolific changes are being ushered in and slowly but surely there is a perceivable shift happening in the mindset and the fabric of our nation! For example, taking the cue from movies, ads and soaps, the younger India, although in a population quite small, has started pushing the boundaries of romance into newer terrain. Claiming it to be a better system in knowing their partners better before marriage, many of them are denouncing age-old “ethics” and getting down to some serious “living together” arrangements!

Actually, with the amount of independence and privacy intrinsic to such a relationship, anyone would think it to be an ideal move. However, there is definitely more to it than catches the eye.

Read on an excerpt of a talk I had with one of the liberals at the Soul Café!

Me: I think one needs to really dig into the pros and cons of “living together” to know what he or she is getting into.

Veer: Live-in relationship is like a knife in one’s hand. A doctor will help a patient with it while another person might murder with it!! So it all depends on what and who and how you are and not what relationship you are into.

Me: So you mean to say, there is nothing wrong with a live-in relationship as such. It’s just the people who have to become right!

Veer: I don’t think people will ever become “right”. They will continue to make mistakes and many of these liaisons will fail too, just like marriages!

Me: So you don’t see much of a difference between a marriage and a live-in relationship?

Veer: Marriage is just a formality that we humans indulge in. According to me it’s a total waste of time, energy and resources. Finally, it depends on the individuals! With or without a marriage, if a relationship is bound to fail, it will fail.

Me: Familiarity breeds contempt!

Veer: Now what is that supposed to mean?

Me: When two people start living together (I am talking about a man and a woman), after the initial euphoria does down, there is bound to be friction when reality sinks in. When you begin to know too many details of the other person, so many things that you missed out earlier become apparent and these can become irritating and a reason for conflict.

Veer: Yeah, that is applicable to a marriage too. It doesn’t put “live-in” in bad-light!

Me: I feel, people tend to give up much earlier in a live-in relationship than in a marriage.

Veer: Isn’t that a far-fetched presumption?

Me: There are many things that force the couple inside a marriage to keep working on the relationship and sail through e.g. societal and parental pressure, finances, children, religious faith etc. Live-in relationships fall apart more easily because of lack of such constraints!

Veer: But if two people don’t get along, what’s the problem in giving up and moving on?

Me: Is it that easy? Perhaps the high-society, which is celebrated, venerated and projected by the media, is able to move on, but is it possible across the strata of the society.

Veer: I think the whole social structure is a crass.

Me: Come on. It’s much easier to be a rebel and say such things while most people struggle all their lives to make things work.

Veer: They don’t have to struggle! They just need to live their life! I don’t understand why people end up conforming to every requirement and rule set up centuries ago by no one knows who!

Me: Perhaps much easier said when you are a bachelor and all you have to worry about is the cash in your pocket and in your bank! But once you have people dependent on you, like a partner, kids et cetera, it’s not so easy to jump on!

Veer: First of all, I am not a “bachelor”, I am “single”. Secondly, I have chosen to stay out of anything that comes with strings!

Me: I think, when the focus is only “me”, “me” and “me”, nothing else matters!

Veer: Not really. If I come across someone interesting, I surely would like to live together with that person!

Me: And if everything is fine, would you marry that person?

Veer: Maybe!

Me: How come? Isn’t marriage a hopeless custom? Those who think that the institution of marriage is a joke should never marry at all! After living together for several years, why would you feel the need to marry! Why not continue to live-in?

Veer: I said maybe. It also depends on the other person. Personally I don’t see a need to marry!

Me: That’s what I am trying to tell you! It’s not just about us! We just can’t live with the focus on ourselves alone all the time. What we think, what we feel and what we need cannot always be the basis of our decisions!

The current social setup that has evolved over the centuries tries to protect the interests of everyone in the social strata. To brand it as useless and showing contempt to it is inappropriate. In the twentieth century we have not become heirs of a bigger brain!

Veer: I think you are getting too worked up! And therefore not thinking rationally!

Me: And entering into a relationship with a lack of commitment is rational?

Veer: Why do you assume that there is a lack of commitment in a live-in relationship? I surely would be committed to anyone that I chose to live with and then, if the person is really good, why would I walk out of the relationship at all! It’s wrong to assume that all live-in relationships are doomed to fail!

Me: In a “live-in”, in case the partners decide to go their separate ways, don’t they just have to pack their bags and walk out! While in a marriage, there is definitely a long and complicated process to terminate of a marriage and I think it is good! People think hard about putting an end to the relationship. Moreover the period is so long that they also get time and opportunities to think and rethink the conflict and the reasons thereof. I know of couples that resolved their issues and their marriage got saved just because they got time! Today they are happily “still” married.

Veer: I think it’s so painful! Once you know that you are not compatible with the other person, still if you have to continue to live with them and endure the bitterness of the relationship for so much more time, it is so silly!

Me: It’s not that the incompatibility was there from day one! These couples enjoy each other for a time and then suddenly one day, they go off a tangent!

Veer: Enjoy each day is my philosophy. If it isn’t working out, move on! Enjoy while it lasts. What is the need to sail through the rough waters and come out of it victorious! What are we trying to prove and to whom!

Me: It’s like asking, why give the exams or why subject the product to a quality test? Couple married for decades will sing about the troubles that their relationship went through and how their bond became stronger along the way! Troubles are bound to come in relationships and marriage weaves in a security into it. It breeds accountability. Inside a “live-in”, the freedom factor is like a loose cannonball!

Veer: It is called an “alternative lifestyle”. It is one more way of living your life. I don’t understand why some people have to make it sound like outlandish and weird and all. It’s one more choice and I say – let people make mistakes, let them fail. Over a period of time it will evolve and get better!

Me: What if the girl gets pregnant? What if the couple tries to part ways after having kids? What if, the girl is no longer as financially independent as she used to be before they had children? What about the emotional turmoil that ensues when one of the partners walks out without giving a reason! What if there is an abuse?

Veer: Legislations will come soon and take care of some of these questions. Also, the dynamics inside the “live-in” is not equal to that inside a marriage. It’s different. There are no traditional role divisions and moreover, the effort, time and money that each of them put into it is pretty balanced and mutually agreed upon, unlike in a marriage. I think the people outside are more worried about the fate of the live-in couple than the couple themselves!

Me: Agreed that the whole ball game of a live-in-relationship seems more tempting than a triple fudge sundae, but the smudge can be even more irritating than that harmless cup of frozen ice cream! Humans are not like animals that we can jump in and out of relationships without getting our entire lives shaken up! When two people choose to live together, it’s more than just the bodies that become one and the separation therefore has much greater impact than what seems. Have you sat in one of those fancy rides that go in all directions?

Veer: Yes. Why? You mean like the ones in entertainment parks?

Me: Yes. Given an option to get off the ride after an one or two rounds, many people would come off it, but because there is no such option, they sit through, they shout, they cry but when its all over, they look back and laugh about it and say – it was fun! Marriage is the whole ride. Live-in is a ride with an exit option!

Veer: You have so much in you against live-in relationships!! I say chill. Give it some time!

Me: You talk as if “live-in’ relationship is a 21st century phenomenon, which a post-modern era derived after looking back at the failures of its ancestors. In the Bible, there is a story of a Samaritan woman who had five husbands and the man that she was living with when she met Jesus was not her husband! Now that’s a live-in relationship two thousand years back!

Veer: She perhaps got sick and tired of the marriages and finally decided to just ‘live-in”! It just proves that “Marriages are not made in heaven” and have been a failure all through!

Me: Happiness in marriage is not so much “finding” the right person as “being” the right person.”

Veer: I agree. That’s why I started off talking about the knife!

Me: Freedom is what you brag about so much but once you are in such a relationship, wouldn’t you expect a commitment for mental, physical, emotional, psychological and financial support from the partner! If so, is it not expecting what you yourselves are not willing to give away readily!

Veer: Each person consciously contributes their share to keep life going smoothly. Most of these people are professionals and well employed. It’s sad to suppose that they will surely mess up their personal lives!

Me: What’s the difference between knowing how to play a One-day cricket game and knowing how to win a One-day cricket game? The couples definitely know the rules, but the “game plan” to win it is perhaps very vague and undefined. Moreover, a live-in relationship is not an enterprise. Even enterprises are not run with people who are not ready to enter into commitments and formal agreements with each other! We cannot define processes in a relationship like we do in an enterprise and then expect logical results. We are talking about people. Let me tell you, “commitment” is the biggest rule in keeping any relationship going.

Veer: The term ‘live-in’ comes to India from foreign land and they have seen it longer and have survived it better than us. So I am sure, in a matter of few years, things will be much better for people like us!

Me: I think we have at least 3500 years of recorded history in our land. Don’t you think that in that much time and with as many people as we have had throughout history, we as a people have done all kinds of trials and errors on relationships, especially romantic! We surely have! The foreign land you are talking about only has 300 years of history to its credit.I think the orthodoxy of our culture was not because our people were afraid to try new options in relationships, but because they realized that we all are prone to hurt and there was need to protect relationships for the good of all. Marriage as an institution was a logical conclusion that protected the interests of all parties involved in the present and in the future of that relationship.

Veer: Crap! I chose to decide on the basis of what I think is right!

Me: Perhaps you should reconsider! A relationship is not just about receiving, about what you get out of it. It’s more so about giving and what you can contribute. Believe me, there is a greater and nobler joy is giving than in receiving. A marriage also gives the opportunity to become compassionate, tenderhearted, forgiving, and courteous even as the other person enjoys the security of a covenant! I am not sure if in a “live-in” allows all that!

Veer: So you are saying that “live-in” is foolish and ridiculous! And the next thing you will do is to join the chorus of the religious bigots and call it a “SIN”. Isn’t it? That it’s an old wine in a new bottle! A new tag to the age old - fornication and adultery! Oh! Bring it on, bring it on!

Me: Oh good! Now you won’t say that I preached down your throat! I think that any relationship outside a covenant is “sin” (unacceptable in the eyes of God). God instituted marriage and then also incorporated all the constraints because he knows what is best for us. A covenant ensures the protection of both the parties. They agree to share everything with each other and bare so much and put so much at stake that there needs to be a promise of protection and companionship no matter what life brings in. A “live-in” provides no such assurance or guarantee and the day it does, it will become a “marriage”.

Veer: I don’t agree to most of what you just said. I think that it is a promising lifestyle option and it will work well.

Me: A live-in relationship works well as long as it works well but when it falls apart, the cushion that marriage gets is almost absent. However, I admit that the state of marriages today also has been the main reason for the rise of live-in relationships.

Veer: It’s the same struggle everywhere. Be it a marriage or a live-in.

Me: Yeah but the thrust in a ‘live in’ relationship is on freedom while in a marriage it’s on collaboration. Ironically, collaborations are out and takeovers are in, perhaps not just in the business world! In a time, when man has become more self-oriented (read - selfish), ‘marriage’ is slowly being beaten up and edged out. Beaten up by infidelity and divorces and edged out by live-in relationships.

We reached different conclusions after all that! However, I believe that families make the society and thus families make nations. Live-in relationships are a threat to the foundational building blocks of what we are today – the family! The future generations need healthy homes to grow up in and nothing ensures a strong family and a good and secure home like marriage does.

I am not sure if marriages are made in heaven, but marriage surely was made in heaven. Do not give-in to live-in, rather, strive-on to reach where we all can live-on! God bless.