A Case of an Angry Young Man

Coming home to be greeted by an empty house, eating the lunch pack arranged from the neighborhood, playing video games and talking to the characters inside the game, sleeping off in the middle of the loitering around, rushing off to catch up with friends and sports at dusk, coming in late for dinner to see the parents go off sleep for the day were the ‘almost predictable’ routine events in the life of the young man sitting before me in the Soul Café. He was about 19 years of age. Most of his time inside the so called home was spent mostly with himself and he was beginning to hate going home altogether. His parents were working. They were not aspiring to be this or that in the corporate world or anywhere but they had once confessed that it was necessary initially for both of them to work to make ends meet. Eventually it became their routine and their identity too. They had probably come to a stage where ‘a meaning’ in life itself was derived by remaining occupied! I knew them and they were simple people and sincere too. Circumstances had now brought them to become devout too! I had chanced to meet Brian the previous day at the Café and after sometime of talking he had to rush. He was hanging out with his friends and they already had many things lined up together for the day and so we fixed up another meeting. Now sitting before me, Brian tried his best to look at ease but I could see that he was restless and volatile beneath his apparent composure. He tried to reassure himself and me about his being in control over everything in his life by speaking confidently. I had noticed that his walk itself was styled to portray his attitude. He was walking in a style which in my young days would have been mistaken for an ailment, and adding to that he also had expressions that were steely and firm. There was too much in common with the guys his age and characters in popular cinema. They were surely trying to be somebody – somebody else. Brian: I will never stay with them when I grow up. I will stay on my own. I may get sick and starve, but I will never stay with them. I will be on my own as soon as I can move out. Me: Oh why! What happened that you got so cheesed off? Brian: Cheesed off?! I am hopping mad. Do they even care about me? All they have time for is their job! All they care about is the money! I want to see what they will do with all their money once I am gone. Me: (This was one really Angry Young Man) Cool down Brian. They are your parents. Don’t you think they deserve a little more respect? Brian: No. Respect has to be earned. Whenever they talk to me, all they do is put me down, belittle my achievements and then scold and humiliate me. They don’t even have time to ask me about what I do the whole day. Me: Belittle your achievements? Do you mind telling me a bit more about this? Brian: Oh, there are many things to say. Just a few months back I came back home with a trophy that I won during the inter-district volleyball competition. We became the champions and they had nothing to say but to remind me about others boys and girls in our friend circle who had procured distinction and high percentages. They do not understand how difficult it is to win in an inter-district competition. They don’t even appreciate me. They only want me to get some professional degree and start earning the tens of thousands so that the family wealth can swell! Me: I see. Brian: The other day, I earned my first salary. Me: You are working too! Brian: What else? College is only for a few hours. What to do the rest of the day? So I work in the mornings. I earned a decent salary and when I told them about it, they had no words of encouragement or appreciation to give me. I had worked hard and earned for the first time ever and they had no kind words to speak to acknowledge it or encourage me! Me: I understand. It can be tough when our own do not appreciate our efforts and achievements. I feel, not saying any words of affirmation and encouragement was a serious let down for you. But again, let me remind you that once upon a time you were just a small lump of flesh, roughly about 3kg in weight and all you did was crying! Brian: Weren’t we all like that once upon a time? Me: Precisely. But to understand our parents we will have to become parents ourselves. I started understanding them a bit more only after I became a father. And what they do for the child is immeasurable. We can comprehend a bit of it only once we go through it ourselves. If you look at all mammals, their young ones as soon as they are born, they find their way to suckle. They are almost independent. But a human child can’t do anything by itself and is dependent on the mother and father for everything. All that the baby knows is to cry. And then, these babies cry for all kinds of reasons and they cannot tell it. Often parents go through hell to understand the reason for the child’s irritation or suffering. Scores of sleepless nights putting the baby to sleep, thousands of nappy changes and a million tricks to get the babies to eat and do certain things, and countless anxious moments all have to happen before the child can become independent to at least take care of its own affairs. And when the baby gets to its senses, it starts getting back at these very people, these very hands that nurtured them. Isn’t it unfair? Brian: Yeah perhaps. But does that mean that now they can treat me anyway? Me: Brian, I don’t think that it maybe because they want to put you down. Why would any parent want to do that? Normally they would never do it unless there are very specific reasons. It’s just a matter of all of you getting together and talking about this. Have you told them how you feel? Brian: Where? They should have the time for me no! Me: Well, you are growing up and making your own decisions and perhaps they can’t force you to sit and listen to them as before! Brian: But they should show me some regard! I don’t feel like talking to them at all! Me: Well you just said that regard or respect is earned! See Brian, I am sure there are areas in your life about which they are terribly displeased. Is that true? Brian: Maybe. They are not happy with my academic performance. They say I let them down. Me: Did you? Brian: Well, I think I could have scored better in the tenth boards. Dad and mom told me to set a time table and bring in some restrictions into my routine but I was overconfident. I should have perhaps tried their advice. I was terribly upset with the results. Me: So you mean to say that you expected more marks? Did the examiners wrong you?! Brian: Well, I am not sure. My exams didn’t go particularly well as expected but at least they were not as bad as the results I got! Me: So did you not try a rechecking or a re-evaluation? Brian: No. Those exercises are useless. Just an eye-wash! Me: So you worked hard in your twelfth boards? Brian: I should have. But again I tried to do the entire course in just last 3-4 weeks and by then it was too much to cover in too less a time. The whole year I invested more time into volley-ball than into my text books. It finally showed in the results. Me: So you mean to say that you flunked? Brian: Yeah. I gave the compartmental too but I flunked in that too. Me: Well, I am sure you broke their self-esteem, their expectations and their confidence in you and so they have become more withdrawn and quiet. I am sure they do want to be proud of you but I want you to just give this a thought - Have you not done some of the “right things” at the wrong time and some of the “wrong things” too? Brian: A right thing is a right thing and should be appreciated. Me: Well, there is a time for everything and only in its right time does everything become beautiful. An apple on an apple tree sapling is the right fruit but at the wrong time. It does more bad than good. Moreover, there are things that happen in our life only once and those things have to be given enough precedence and attention. Brian: You are talking just like my parents now. Me: Sorry Brian. I want you to trust me and see that I am only trying to help you. God has given the authority of sheltering you to your parents. And I think you should honor that. Brian: I am not a baby anymore to need sheltering. I earn now. I am on my own. Do you think I still need to be sheltered? I don’t want them to walk behind me shouting instructions and advices! Certainly, No! Me: Do you have to buy the provisions, pay the rent or the taxes or pay even for the utility bills? You are not paying for any of these and yet you saying that you are on your own! Do you think it is reasonable? I see it in teens everywhere! I see it in you too! The advancements in technology and media and the exposure to it is so much that before parents realize and wake up to the needs of the children, they would have fed themselves with enough from their friends and peers and the world around them. The kids know so much that they begin to think that since they know more and better than their parents, they have reached where they have to. They start defying the authority of parents. The “I know it all” attitude! And after beginning to earn, “I got it all” attitude! Brian: So what are you saying? That they keep calling the shots in my life all the days of my life? Me: Not at all. But you know what - the Bible does say that in the “last days” men will be disobedient to their parents. I am sure that the Bible is not referring to just the small kids and teens there but even really grown up people. The Bible categorically states that parents deserve honor and a hearing as long as they are alive. Besides, I very strongly vouch for the fact that no one can ever know us as good as than they can and often do and their insights can be really useful for us. Brian: How can you be so sure about that? I think I know me better than anyone else! Me: I thought so too. But when I became a dad, I realized that I could predict the thoughts and behavior of my kids from a very early age because they after all are derived from me. They have my genes in them. So much about them, was so similar to how I myself was when I was very small. So, even before they intended to do something, I could guess what was going through their minds and more often than not, I was right. Their basic processing patterns were very similar to mine. A careful observation was all that I had to do. Brian: But I am a product of both their genes and so a new entity! And then I also have genes from my grandparents. So will it not take the whole lot of them to really understand me? Me: Smart answer. You are not wrong. Actually, all of them together may also never be able to understand you fully! There are so many things in you that will change depending on your exposure and own experience, but still, your basic tastes, interests, and values will not change too drastically over time. Moreover, we can never overtake our parents in their experience. Maybe on technological front, they are less experienced, but in facing life, relationships and taking on problems and situations of real life, they are any day better equipped than us. Even today, I would surely consider the opinion of my parents before taking an important decision. Also, because they are our parents, God also has vested in them an authority over us. Brian: I didn’t get the last part. What authority exactly are you talking about? Me: The traffic policeman on the road might be a thin and lean guy but because he has authority vested in him by the government, when he signals, vehicles stop. Violation of his directions is taken as violation of authority and disregard of the government itself!. Similarly, our parents, however foolish and old-fashioned they may appear, they have in them an authority vested by God and when we disregard it we disregard God, His wisdom and His principles! Brian: Isn’t that ascribing too much to them? Me: Well, there is an instruction in the Bible, wherein if a virgin made a vow to God, and if the father of this girl came to know about it, and didn’t agree with her on the vow, then he could annul the vow, albeit it was made to God. Brian: But that maybe because she was a girl. I am a young man. Me: Well, girls or boys; looking from an eternal perspective, God has purposed a similar destiny for both. Any kind of inequality seen between the genders here is only a for the sake of order here. Beyond our life here, everyone is the same. Even Jesus was subject to his parents in all things till about the age of 30! Incidentally it took his mom to inaugurate his ministry! I mean, only after her instructions did he even start working miracles. Brian: So what do you say that I must do? Me: Well, to start off, I think you should sit down and talk to your parents. I don’t see the reason behind the need for an ice-breaker! They are your mom and dad and you should talk to them, even if that means, it will humble you for a while. Lack of communication is one of the biggest reasons for rift and friction inside families. Brian: So just tell them how I feel? Me: Sure. But also ask them about how to take things from here on. You are on their minds all day and they might have thought about all the options and possibilities of your life so why not ask them and know it. I would say that in the process, you should also ask pardon for anything you might have done or said to hurt them. That restoration and reconciliation is important too. Brian: That seems a difficult thing to do. I feel so justified about my anger. Me: I agree. But once you do it, it will bring about a release in your heart young man and a healing in your relationship that you will never want to look back. Take my word. Do not hurt them. They too deserve some pampering now. Haven’t they spent a good part of their lives seeking your welfare? It’s now your time to show your gratitude to them. Make them smile. Spend good time with them. They are growing old too. Make the most of each day, and create memories that you will cherish and pass on to your generations. Brian: But they may ask me to give back the mobile phone! I think that will be too unreasonable! Me: See even before you approach them, you have so many hitches! Give it a try and don’t think too much about what all they will snatch from you. Are they your enemies? Brian: But they have asked for it before! I am sure if I say that I want to set things right, the first thing they will say is to give back the mobile phone! Me: So then give it back. Is it so important to hold on to a mobile phone when your relationship with your own parents is at stake? You can have countless friends, but you will never have another dad and mom. Also, by not having a phone in hand, will you be putting thousands of rupees at stake? I mean, is having a phone so vital to you! Forgive me but I don’t see the necessity behind teens carrying a mobile phone! Besides I am sure you have perhaps given them enough reasons to ask it back! Isn’t it? Brian: See, many of my friends call me and sometimes these calls last long! Me: I am sure that the ‘Long’ means hours together! And then if you are talking to a girl for that long, their fears are not unfounded. Brian: But what if she is only a friend? Or what if she is the one I am intending to marry in the long run! Me: In case she is just a friend, I think you should limit your talks so that you remain just friends. Our emotions are so fickle that we will never know when the roller coaster will begin! In case you are already enjoying the ride, better make sure her dad knows about! Brian: Why would I talk to her dad? Well, not now at least. Me: Well, authority. God has vested this authority in parents. Giving away a girl to another man is the privilege and right of the father. In Biblical times, he sheltered his daughter till she was marriageable and then it was his prerogative to decide the right companion. Of course, she had to consent too. But then the father had to sanction. So keeping with the same spirit, I urge you to ask her to let her father at least know that she is talking to a guy called ‘Brian’. And if you are serious about taking this thing ahead, I would just say two things. First, it is perhaps not the right age for you to think about it. Second, talk to her dad about your long term intentions! Brian: Are you out of your mind? Do you think her dad will smile and say welcome! Will he allow me to talk to her as I do now? Me: Precisely the point. I think you should continue the talking only if he allows. That’s how the Bible puts it very clearly. Brian: Well, you are making this more difficult for me! Me: Well Brian, first things first. The first thing you need to do is talk to your parents. This you need to do without much delay because I am sure that they are moving around with wounds and brokenness that they are not able to tell anyone else. If it does come to the point of their asking back your mobile, I will surely meet with them and together, let us all see how we can work things out for common good. Do you agree? Brian: I am not sure how these things will unfold and whether I am willing to go all the way with this. But nevertheless, I think I will give it a shot. Me: Good. All the very best! God be with you. Brian left that day from the café fairly determined to set things right with his parents. I am sure that once he did that, God would honor him and restore that which he had lost. It is important to be in a right standing with God. Even Jesus said, “Let all righteousness be fulfilled”. Young people, honor your parents in the Lord, for this is the first commandment with a promise. The promise of God is, “It may be well with you”. May it be well with all of you! God bless.